Dear tax Inspector, I am writing to inform you of a change of address. I am not actually moving but from April 1 next year my address for taxation purposes will be 1, Sea View, George Town, Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands.
To help the British economy, I have decided to avoid paying much of my income tax by basing myself, for financial matters only, in a well-respected tax haven.
I accept that I am following in the footsteps of most major companies.
In fact all but two of the FTSE 100 firms use such havens to avoid paying tax. Britain’s four biggest banks, HSBC, Barclays, Lloyds and RBS have 1,649 tax haven companies between them.
And one of those banks we own.
Now while I recognise that tax avoidance, unlike tax evasion, is perfectly legal, I was under the mistaken impression that it was generally a bad thing.
I believed that companies which avoid paying tax are not doing their bit to pay for all the things this country needs, such as roads and hospitals, and are not helping us grow out of the morass of debt into the sunny uplands of solvency and prosperity. I could not have been more wrong.
Right wing economists – is there any other kind – and Parlia - mentarians are falling over themselves to tell us that these companies not paying their taxes is good for Britain and the economy.
This enables them to make greater profits, which are reinvested into the country, providing jobs and greater taxes (which they then don’t pay, increasing the virtuous circle).
Try to keep up. Now, if this was the case, I hear some of you muttering, would it not be simpler to cut the taxes companies pay, avoiding the need for tax avoidance? But life is not simple.
There would be protests that these multi-billion companies, some of whom have been bailed out by the taxpayer, not only don’t pay taxes but the bosses give themselves enormous bonuses, whether they have earned them or not. Moreover they do not put their profits back into the British economy, should they make any.
Yes, some people can be that petty and small-minded as to raise such matters.
So, the best of all possible worlds is for politicians to clearly state that companies must pay taxes, like everyone else, but quietly let them avoid so doing.
It is a win-win, as the Government not only sees the economy growing in the private sector but can truthfully state there is not enough revenue to pay for all these publicly funded excesses, such as education, the NHS etc.
And in gratitude at such wisdom, some of the companies give political donations to keep the parties going.
So, now understanding the logic of the situation, I wish to help.
By setting up my financial address in the Cayman Islands, I too will avoid paying tax.
I will use that money to buy goods and services in the local restaurants, hostelries and shops.
I may have to visit the Cayman Islands twice a year to file my tax returns but can probably claim that back as justified expenses.
We all have the interests of the nation at heart and I do not want people to feel I am not doing my bit.
MY mum was a bit confused this week as to why ‘BlackBerry jam’ was making the news. She used to make blackberry jam and does not understand why the young mothers of today are not doing the same, as it is a cheap source of nutrition. I did not tell her it could have been worse, as, if Apple had similar problems we might have seen ‘Blackberry and Apple crumble’, one of my childhood favourites. As it is ‘Blackberry jam helped Apple turnover’.
All this talk of food led to my mum saying we need a frost pretty soon, as sprouts only taste good after one, and she soon needs to put them on a low simmer for Christmas.
